Writing is a double-edged sword: sometimes it can make me feel better, offering a therapeutic release, while at other times it can be triggering and overwhelming, akin to picking at my own wounds. I lost a friend that I used to write a lot to, another psychiatrist, not my own psychiatrist. This loss has been profoundly felt, as writing to them was a significant part of my coping mechanism. It’s 05:18 PM, Saturday, 13.07.2024. I didn’t take any clonazepam today. I’m feeling engulfed in immense pain. Sometimes writing when I am too depressed is simply ruminating on ruminating depressive thoughts.

Deleuze and Guattari’s “Anti-Oedipus: Capitalism and Schizophrenia” offers a critique of traditional psychoanalytic concepts, particularly the Oedipal triangle (daddy-mummy-me). They argue that the Oedipal framework is too narrow and reductive to account for the complexities of human desire and social structures. Instead, they propose a broader, more fluid understanding of desire that is not confined by familial relationships and capitalist structures.

Lacan’s interpretation of an old woman with an abandoning, rejecting father would mean a missing “name of the father,” leading to a schizoaffective personality without structured organization, characterized by chaos and disobedience to rules and authority. This absence disrupts the symbolic order, leading to a fragmented sense of self. In Lacanian terms, the father’s absence prevents the formation of a stable identity, resulting in a chaotic inner world where traditional structures of authority and rules are disregarded.

Freud would have said that my attraction is always for paternal figures, people who resemble my father, a person with a PhD who was always an alienated figure. Because I was unable to resolve and reconcile with this abandonment, I am doomed to recreate this scenario of rejection and abandonment with paternal figures until the end of my life. Freud’s perspective emphasizes the repetition compulsion, where unresolved childhood conflicts manifest in adult relationships, perpetuating a cycle of seeking and being rejected by father figures. That is why I have a fetish for PhDs and psychiatrists in particular.

Some people with resilient, strong personalities are able to resolve this conflict and move on with their lives. I was unfortunately unable to. I have had some significant relationships in my life, but they all ended with me being rejected and abandoned. I can count many losses of people who initially loved me, but my destructive behaviors made them unable to stay. There is so much grief in this depressive episode.

Right now, I am recalling my psychiatrist friend. We were intimate a couple of times until he saw me for what I am, a wounded child, not a woman. His lust for me turned into affection and compassion. He helped me so many times with money; I would always write to him, and he always read everything. I feel so ashamed and so sorry that I did him wrong in return. At first, I became obsessed with him, writing so much to him, almost any thought I had in my mind. Then I became psychotic, and in this psychosis came anger and desire for revenge. I was angry and jealous because he wouldn’t love me back and wouldn’t see me as an equal partner. I broke the confidentiality of our relationship, talked badly of him too many times with the wrong people, causing actual harm to his reputation. He was and still is such a compassionate, beautiful soul. However, in my psychotic state, I couldn’t recognize that. I saw him as complicit with an inhuman institution, part of a system that dehumanizes patients and even leads to experiences of torture.

I wrote to him to say I was sorry, but he didn’t reply, probably not wanting to feed my obsession for him. I loved him very much. I loved him dearly. I lost him because of my unbearable behavior. I feel that I’m being punished for my bad behavior. I feel so lonely, so ashamed, so full of regret. I’m not sure if I will ever be able to form meaningful relationships with other people.

references

Freud, S. (1914). Erinnern, wiederholen und durcharbeiten. GW X, 4.‏

Name of the Father. (2023, November 9). In Wikipedia. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Name_of_the_Father

Repetition compulsion. (2024, February 10). In Wikipedia. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Repetition_compulsion

Here is the reference for the book you mentioned:

Lacan, J. (2013). The Names of the Father. Polity Press. Available at: https://www.amazon.com/Names-Father-Jacques-Lacan/dp/0745659926.

Here is the reference for Deleuze and Guattari’s “Anti-Oedipus”:

Deleuze, G., & Guattari, F. (1983). Anti-Oedipus: Capitalism and Schizophrenia. (R. Hurley, M. Seem, & H. R. Lane, Trans.). University of Minnesota Press.