Late at night, feeling dizzy, I took 2mg of Clonazepam, a high dose of benzodiazepine. I wanted to leave this as a note to myself to elaborate on later.

Many people can enjoy smoking a joint or two once in a while, but not me. I was a serious stoner. I would get high all day, every day, for almost twenty years. It’s quite an achievement to be proud of—being a pothead, consuming such large amounts of weed. Eventually, my intensive use of cannabis contributed to my manic episodes. I never had a manic episode without using it before. I even ended up trafficking large amounts of weed from one place to another.

Looking back, I realize the damage it caused me and how it affected my life. It mostly hurt my motivation. I forgot that I had goals. I didn’t plan my future. I only cared about having enough weed to satisfy my craving, and I always had enough, even if it got me into debt. It was surely an addiction, a lifestyle.

I’ve been sober for a year, and then I relapsed. I got in touch with a “friend” from the old days who had access to medical weed. I smoked a few puffs, and it worked like magic. I was no longer aching. My existence didn’t hurt so much. I felt so relaxed after such a long time. Not long after that, I spent 600 NIS on buying another 10 grams. After that, I was told that I couldn’t use it anymore if I wanted to apply for Esketamine. Esketamine is a potent drug used to treat drug-resistant major depression.

I decided to get clean again. It wasn’t the only reason. The other reason was that I knew from experience that I was taking a huge risk of triggering another manic episode. But, God, nothing worked as well as marijuana did. Not any other antidepressant, not DBT, not mindfulness, or meditation. My story would not be complete if I redacted that part of my life.

There is a lot of research about how marijuana can trigger psychosis. I didn’t read all of it, but I found Carolyn Ponzoha’s first-person account on “How Marijuana Obliterated My Life” very compelling. Carolyn Ponzoha is a mental health influencer that I find captivating. It’s also important to note that many people with schizoaffective disorder struggle with substance abuse as a form of self-medication—an unadaptive coping mechanism.

Some lyrics of Elliott Smith echo in my mind:

From the song “Needle in the Hay”:

“Down, downstairs to the man, he’s gonna make it all okay. I can’t be myself, and I don’t want to talk. I’m taking the cure, so I can be quiet whenever I want.”

Also, from the song “Angeles”:

“I can make you satisfied in everything you do. All your secret wishes could right now be coming true. And be forever with my poisoned arms around you.”

Clonazepam doesn’t give me the same high that marijuana did. It’s merely a sedative, not an upper. I will soon try to go to sleep. Tomorrow is yet another day as an outpatient. I don’t know if I’m even going to make it, or how. I’m just trying to re-tell my story. It’s some part of a middle age crisis. Reflecting back on the past, the good times and the bad times. Overall, I’m neither ashamed or proud. it is what it is. and tomorrow is another uncertain, sober day

Bizzarri, J. V., Rucci, P., Sbrana, A., Miniati, M., Raimondi, F., Ravani, L., … & Cassano, G. B. (2009). Substance use in severe mental illness: self-medication and vulnerability factors. Psychiatry Research, 165(1-2), 88-95.

Bizzarri, J. V., Rucci, P., Sbrana, A., Miniati, M., Raimondi, F., Ravani, L., … & Cassano, G. B. (2009). Substance use in severe mental illness: self-medication and vulnerability factors. Psychiatry research, 165(1-2), 88-95.‏

Grewal, R. S., & George, T. P. (2017). Cannabis-induced psychosis: A review. Psychiatric Times, 34(7), 13-15.‏

Kasten, B. P. (1999). Self-medication with alcohol and drugs by persons with severe mental illness. Journal of the American Psychiatric Nurses Association, 5(3), 80-87.”

Shrivastava, A., Johnston, M., Terpstra, K., & Bureau, Y. (2014). Cannabis and psychosis: Neurobiology. Indian journal of psychiatry, 56(1), 8–16. https://doi.org/10.4103/0019-5545.124708

Kasten, B. P. (1999). Self-medication with alcohol and drugs by persons with severe mental illness. Journal of the American Psychiatric Nurses Association, 5(3), 80-87.‏